Friday, October 06, 2006
the dae was fine.good food.good places.good stuff.i thank GOd for all these.but i didn't hab a good ride hm.i met ming rang on the way hm..followed by bing hui ervin and guys at dover..thru out the journey i joked..i laughed..but deep down..muy heart was cryin..in the bus on muy way hm..wells in muy eyes were filled up..but i tried muy best to hold bak..no i told muyself..i mus not cry..no..but stil i gave way..tears fell while i was walkin hm..i'm feelin mixed again...suddenly the world i noe..ppl i tot were innocent..but are actually so vile...forgive mi for the words i'm using..but these are muy tots..it seems all along tt change ish stil not dere yet..devotion book..lastest chapter..how wld we tell others abt our half..i tink muy reply wld be.."no comments.."i reali dunchno how to praise him when i hab nth to compliment abt..i'm disappointed cuz todae TODAe..den i realised actually he stil does not get wat i'm very concerned abt..and tt's his very own bloody fuckin viewpt on close frens..relationships wif gers..i've mentioned not once but a few times since the dae i discovered mani thgs..till now we're almost a year plus..i tot he wld change and had changed..todae den i realised..he stil hasn't..i dunch blame him..or rather i can't..i can oni blame muyself for not able to tell him efficiently enuff..i'm startled and disappointed..another disheartenin stuff was tt..till now I AM SUCH A FAILURE. seriously. i hurt him..he rmbs...whenever he's sad..he RMBS..the hurts i did to him..but seriously y wld i hurt u if u didn't hurt mi first? i'm not tt kinda of bored person nth to do den lookin for troubles one..and when he told mi tt he cldn't rmb any hurt she (his ex. it is to mi) inflicted upon him cuz she didn't infact at all hurt him! well well well...wat an angel i mus praise den! wat a treasure! he's mus be BLIND to gib up on such a ger and be wif mi den! hu always nv fail to hurt him! if she's den bloody GOOD..den watever in the first place confused him wif her damn fuckin actions which she when SIX years older den him shld be MATURED enuff to noe wat to do and wat not to do! gibin ppl feelins tt oni confused him abt deir relation! wat the fuck?! hu to blame? i reali DEPISE dis kinda of ppl..fuck..how old alr..stil dunchno how to draw boundaries meh? summore get so fuckin close to a opp gender when ur not eben READY to commit to him! get so intimate wif ppl alr den tell ppl cannot be wif him. wat the hell. damn vile.to tink i hab good impressions of her. fuck u man! seriously summore how old sia? older den mi yet i noe more SENSE den her?! it's gotta be a DAMN FUNNY JOKE. to tink tt i stil initiate to pray for her to noe GOd more..to draw her back and experience Him..fuck man..reali..wat the hell m i dd????????if u feel tt i've WRONGED her and feel unjust for her. i leave it to u. dis ish muy blogg. i blogg watever i wan. but not wifout sense. if u claim to noe mi. den u shld noe wat kinda of person i m reali. right from the pt when i discovered thgs weren't actually wat dey seems to be to mi..i noe i mus stop bein naive..so naive infact..i didn't hab a good start in dis r/s..i learnt mani stuff..but stil i tried to convince muyself and hab faith in him..eben up til now..i pray and pray that i can reali leave muy upmost concern to God..and not be bothered by it..alr i had such a hard time tryin to come to terms tt she's still in the church..oh wells. afterall SHE"S PART OF tt family. now hu noes she might rekindle instead of him..alr our r/s ish not easy to maintain..each time i face muy parents..it's LIEs..i dunch wan..i reali hate it..but i hab no choice if i wan to hold on to dis r/s..dey mus not noe tt i'm stil wif him..i reali feel like gibin up..wat for try so hard to hang onto such an undesired r/s..how i wish i can reali stop and end dis r/s at dis instant..at least i hab nth to hide to parents..i dunch hab to kip lyin..i dunch hab to be so secretive anymore..it's jus so much for mi..i feel so terrible to hab a conscience like tt..esp i see muy parents work so hard to raise mi..to support mi..man wat the hell m i dd..i hab faith in God..but not in her anymore..bloody mother fucker..and i reali nidda time for muyself..1/2 of mi alr gaven up dis time cuz of wat he said earlier todae..but i dunch blame him for tellin..cuz i reali want to noe i nidda to noe..since she reali did not hurt to him..which i'm reali shocked..i mus stil accept dis fact..in muy heart he's alr tellin mi tt she's betta..oh wells of cuz she's when she doesn't eben gib u hurt and pain like i do..jere..i thank you for bein honest wif mi..it's impt to mi..i dunch wan u to tink tt u shldn't hab sae cuz it wld oni worsen thgs btw us..cuz i reali cannot kip convincin muyself bein wif a guy whose past ish simply not over yet..u'll stil see her no matter wat..i dunch wan to hab dis constant worrie on muy mind..despite prayin abt dis..guess i mus hab not been strong and determined enuff to entrust dis to God..till den i jus wanna be left alone.
o0..happy together..0o
10/06/2006 10:14:00 PM
